I Hate Spring…

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I’m gonna say it. I hate spring. If LeBron acting like a Harlem Globetrotter while killing the Raptors wasn’t depressing enough, we now have literally 4 straight days of rain here. People tell me that Vancouver is such a great spot to live because you get this type of weather throughout the winter. They always just describe it as “mild.” Are you kidding me???? Who on earth would want this for 7 months. Spring is literally the worst. It’s always not cold enough for snow, and not warm enough to even be remotely comfortable. You can’t wear anything in this type of weather, because nothing in this history of fashion has ever been cool with rain gear. Don’t believe me? Tell me how many runways feature Wellington’s and Northface? Tell me how many people you’ve met here who say “Ouuu I like the Seahawks, or the Canucks jerseys.” There are none, and for good reason. The only people who seem to enjoy this type of season are depressed viso cam users and turtles. I don’t want to live like a turtle. There’s nothing cool about being a turtle in the first place. There slow, disease ridden, and are totally screwed if tipped over. There’s nothing positive about that. So when I see people on my weather channel telling me to get excited about the “spring.” I just know these are the biggest frauds going.

PS.- The fact that Vancouver has an actual tourism ad bragging about the rain is just mind boggling. Can anyone someday explain to me how the Pacific Northwest got so damn weird?

Raps Finish Bucks, But the 905ers Win the D-League Title

That’s it folks. The Raps went into Milwaukee last night, put on a show, almost blew a 25 point lead, but they pulled it off. Am I going to address the problem that this team has with closing games? Absolutely not! I’m gonna forget it. Cause the Bucks are gone. It’s now all about Cleveland. It’s what we have been waiting for around here. I could care less about Jason Kidd blowing kisses at Ibaka. Just give me seven games vs King James. That’s all I’m asking here. I’m a simple man who is desperate for some hardware. So desperate that I’m about to gloat about the D-League title the 905ers won last night. But before that, lets drink in this tweet that aged well from Governor Scott Walker.

But on to the title talk. The 905 Raptors brought the hardware to Peel Region with an impressive 122-96 domination over the Rio Grande Valley Vipers. The Raptors youth of Fred Van Vleet, Bruno Caboclo, and Finals MVP Pascal Siakam, put on show for the Sauga crowd.

But what does this mean for the Raps? Well it means a couple of things. The first being that good drafting and development allows holes to be easily be filled from free agency this summer. The second thing, is that Jerry Stackhouse will soon be a head coach somewhere else. It’s been remarkable to watch him succeed into a role that many players frankly just stink at when they retire. The last thing it means is PARADE TIME PEOPLE!

Lets see the madness!

Even members of media are still in awe of this achievement.

But seriously though, this is really awesome. It’s actually great that this franchise has tons of stuff to celebrate after the years of downright horrible management. But also to the fans of Mississauga who really pack the Hershey Center so these guys aren’t hearing crickets when they play. Oh, and of course the GOAT showed up at today’s festivities.

 

Man Opens Hottest New Toronto Hotel…in his Car

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City News- The price of a detached home is out of reach for most. Minuscule condos cost an arm and a leg, rentals are becoming increasingly unaffordable, and hotels seem to cater to high rollers. So where can a person on a budget lay their head in Toronto without digging themselves into insurmountable debt? How about the back of an SUV? That’s right for a measly $15 a night, or $311 a month, you can rent an SUV in downtown Toronto’s distillery district and sleep in the trunk. The Airbnb posting reads: Live in the “trunk” of my Mercedes SUV in the hot, usually expensive Historic Distillery District, also called “Corktown” of downtown Toronto a few steps from Lake Ontario, Sugar Beach, gorgeous park lands, trails, dining, shopping, entertainment and more. The poster adds that the vehicle is parked on a “safe, quiet street” and includes a thick foam double bed mattress that sleeps up to two people. There’s even curtains for privacy if you’re inclined to test the vehicle’s suspension. Of course you’ll have to walk to find a washroom, but a burst bladder is a small price to pay for such gargantuan savings. The “apartment” is stationary, but may be available to drive at an extra cost. But is it legal? According to the City, zoning bylaws that target living/sleeping in vehicles only apply to property that can be bought and sold, including driveways and parking lots, but not to public streets. Police also say it’s within the law, as long as the vehicle isn’t running, or parked in a prohibited location.

Look here’s the main thing. Toronto is expensive. This place is getting closer to Vancouver and Manhattan levels with every month. So for most people here, you gotta have some side businesses to keep those living expenses under control. Maybe this means an uber, some ebay, freelance writing, even just a good old fashioned part-time job. But this guy decided to take this up another level.

Now don’t get it wrong. I like ingenuity and ideas. I even consider myself to be a big idea guy. But there are some things that I just can’t get on board with, and this is one of those times. The first being that anyone who is willing to park their own MERCEDES downtown and allow someone to sleep, sweat, eat, and even by the sounds of this ad, even fuck in it. Is not somebody I want in my city. Anyone who is willing to take their European luxury car and say “hey for $15 bucks make the inside like a subway car!” I can’t have here. Nope I just can’t do it. Someone people will call this small minded, even tell me I’m stomping on the very essence and foundation of our capitalist society. But that’s the grief I’m willing to take.

P.S.- I love how City News didn’t blackout this dudes plate. I’m also laughing at the moment when this guy’s girlfriend see’s his car being sold like a hotel on the news. She has to dump this guy immediately right? Can’t be going out with the dude who uses his car like it’s a Motel 6.

Jason Grilli Attempts French, Becomes Bilingual Hero

Jason Grilli is awesome. He’s a guy who doesn’t hide who he is. The Grillman is gonna haul ass outta the bullpen, fire up the crowd, scream at himself, and just straight up murder the language of love. Now I understand he’s putting up a nice sentimental post for Montreal. But this is hilarious. “Au Revoir” is practically stapled everywhere throughout that city. You can’t walk a block without seeing it. What’s even better, is that he just didn’t even try to google it. Literally just spelled it out how he thinks it sounds after finding the perfect picture for that post. I just know that he’s the guy to yell “garcon!” and snap his fingers at a waiter thinking that’s a thing. I’m not even a Jays fan, but I love this move so much that I might just start the hashtag #Ovwa after every out he gets. Screw #cometogether it should be #Ovwa from now on.

Cubs Win! Head to First World Series since 1945. Makes me think of Toronto

Well they finally did it. The Cubs are off to the World Series. It is actually amazing how this 107 year drought could be ending. This is one of those rare nights in sports where you actually think in a reflective way. In this case it made me think of the Leafs in regards with Toronto.

What it did was it put into perspective how lame this city has been with moaning about a 49 year title drought. Like every year it’s the same talking point that gets compared to the Cubs. If you don’t believe me, try being a non Leaf hockey fan in Toronto. But not to get off topic lets really look at this. There has been almost two generations on the north side of Chicago who haven’t even seen their squad in the finals. At least here, anyone born from 1960 or before remembers seeing a title won. And if they weren’t at the game, they saw it won on a television. The last Cubs title didn’t even have the radio invented yet (not sure but I’m going with it). Like most Cubs fans probably had to wait until the morning for the paper to tell them. Or maybe get the post game score by telegraph? I don’t even know how that would work in 1908.

Leaf fans can at least have a reunion with the guys on that 67 team. They always show up yearly to celebrate their title. Can anyone tell me when is the last time a member of the Cubs 1907 team was honoured at Wrigley? Which is the main point. So the Leafs and their fans need to stop embracing this “Cubs-like” drought narrative. But instead just accept they are more like the NHL’s Cleveland Browns. Years of success that have been quickly forgotten by decades of ineptitude. Where instead of a rotation of dreadful starting quarterbacks, it’s goalies.

Toronto Just Kicked in the Ass

What a day yesterday was. Two huge L’s handed out to the city. The first one coming from the Indians, who punched their first ticket to the World Series since 1997 down at Rogers Centre. Fans watched the Indians celebrate and wonder if this will be the last time they see Bautista or Encarnacion in a Jays uniform. But this wasn’t just a simple L because of that. It’s because of the Jays biggest boot mouth in Jose Bautista. Now before anyone screams about the batflip, just know that was last year and he wasn’t talking like he was in this series. First came the whiney complaints about the zone. Then came the opinion on Ryan Merritt before game 5. It’s like dude. Chill out! Your down 3-1 and the lineup is ice-cold. What in the hell are you thinking? It’s like Andy Bernard self-awareness with this guy. Nobody is intimidated by you, the whole league hates you guys for this exact type of stuff. And of course Cleveland made sure to let him know about this post game.

The happy birthday tweet is just so smug and ruthless, you can’t help but respect Trevor Bauer’s troll game.

But then after accepting the end of another baseball season. I could see “Leafsnation” on twitter lighting up the tweets about Auston Matthews and how it’s “his turn” in the city’s spotlight. And you know what? For once it seemed like it. Here’s a guy with the greatest debut by an NHL rookie whose leading a team with sky-high potential. Comes into the Peg to face the Jets and the dude picked AFTER him in Patrick Laine. They take a 4-0 lead into the second period and it seems like this team has got it. They’re fast, skilled, young and exciting to watch. Too bad they blow their 4 goal lead and take the L in overtime where Laine nets the game winner and a hat trick in the process.

 

Hilarious. Just Hilarious. I honestly wonder if they built the ACC on an old Aboriginal burial ground. Because there is no other way to explain what happened yesterday. Never in all my years of living here have I witnessed two L’s like this on the same day. It’s unbelievable.

P.S. The Winnipeg crowd chanting “Laine’s Better” shows why they still have the crown for most ruthless in the league.

The Cleveland Indians Twitter is Coming In Hot!

Just when you thought the Indians couldn’t dominate this series anymore, here they come in blazing with the social media. Hey I know that most of the time these team accounts are lame and obviously are strictly controlled for good company PR. But you know what? This is downright hilarious. Going straight after the most thin-skinned fan base in the entire league makes for great social media. Here we have a team whose tired of the smug comments and excuses from these players and their fans. So they just start hitting them straight up with FACTS. It’s not the umps strike zone, it’s Jose Bautista and the rest of the lineup failing to adjust. It’s not an anti-Canadian conspiracy because nobody in the MLB office stays awake at night thinking “what will we do with the Canadians”. And on top of this, making fun of a an athlete’s self-appointed nick-name is always great stuff. I wish more teams would do it so we never have to deal with another Dwayne Wade who keeps trying to make “flash” a thing. Maybe the BlueJays twitter guy should start taking receipts and comeback with a vengeance in game 4. Like you have to do that right? Can’t be the “classy” team now after the city has been huckin bottles and cans on the field like soccer hooligans for years now.

Disclaimer: I would be such an ass, If I didn’t mention how lame the Ken Bone option was in that Indians poll.

Deadmau5 making new Leafs tune

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BlogTo- With a new star saving the team, a fresh logo, and a lot of hype surrounding the 2016/17 Maple Leafs season comes news of an updated anthem for the franchise. Toronto DJ/producer/stage musical muse Deadmau5 will produce a brand new anthem for the team. It will debut as they skate onto the ice to take on Boston at the ACC tomorrow. Asked to come up with “something simple, original and different,” the electronic music maker didn’t use any samples and tried to appeal to the very large hockey audience who will be tuning in every game. It’ll be something “driving and anthem-ish,” he descriptively told the Maple Leafs website. A dance song meant to pump energy into the 100 year old organization and announce a new chapter for the team.

This isn’t coming from a Leaf fan but a hockey fan. THANK GOD. Now creating a new “team anthem” is usually a horrible idea. These things tend to be forced and seem very lame. But for the sake of people who attend hockey games at the ACC this was so badly needed. Most nights I’d think Geddy Lee was the only guy who had ever made it big from this city. Or that some Motley Crew member had welded his iPhone to the aux cord. Good music helps add to the atmosphere of any field or arena. Ever heard someone complain from Montreal complain about the eurobeats? Or anyone in Detroit not lose their minds when Journey or Marshall comes on? It’s part of the reason why Raptor games are always considered more fun than Leaf games recently. It’s about time they found someone like Deadmau5 to inject some life into that place and into the 21st century.

P.S. I love how this move will drive the “hockey purists” up the wall.