Man Opens Hottest New Toronto Hotel…in his Car

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City News- The price of a detached home is out of reach for most. Minuscule condos cost an arm and a leg, rentals are becoming increasingly unaffordable, and hotels seem to cater to high rollers. So where can a person on a budget lay their head in Toronto without digging themselves into insurmountable debt? How about the back of an SUV? That’s right for a measly $15 a night, or $311 a month, you can rent an SUV in downtown Toronto’s distillery district and sleep in the trunk. The Airbnb posting reads: Live in the “trunk” of my Mercedes SUV in the hot, usually expensive Historic Distillery District, also called “Corktown” of downtown Toronto a few steps from Lake Ontario, Sugar Beach, gorgeous park lands, trails, dining, shopping, entertainment and more. The poster adds that the vehicle is parked on a “safe, quiet street” and includes a thick foam double bed mattress that sleeps up to two people. There’s even curtains for privacy if you’re inclined to test the vehicle’s suspension. Of course you’ll have to walk to find a washroom, but a burst bladder is a small price to pay for such gargantuan savings. The “apartment” is stationary, but may be available to drive at an extra cost. But is it legal? According to the City, zoning bylaws that target living/sleeping in vehicles only apply to property that can be bought and sold, including driveways and parking lots, but not to public streets. Police also say it’s within the law, as long as the vehicle isn’t running, or parked in a prohibited location.

Look here’s the main thing. Toronto is expensive. This place is getting closer to Vancouver and Manhattan levels with every month. So for most people here, you gotta have some side businesses to keep those living expenses under control. Maybe this means an uber, some ebay, freelance writing, even just a good old fashioned part-time job. But this guy decided to take this up another level.

Now don’t get it wrong. I like ingenuity and ideas. I even consider myself to be a big idea guy. But there are some things that I just can’t get on board with, and this is one of those times. The first being that anyone who is willing to park their own MERCEDES downtown and allow someone to sleep, sweat, eat, and even by the sounds of this ad, even fuck in it. Is not somebody I want in my city. Anyone who is willing to take their European luxury car and say “hey for $15 bucks make the inside like a subway car!” I can’t have here. Nope I just can’t do it. Someone people will call this small minded, even tell me I’m stomping on the very essence and foundation of our capitalist society. But that’s the grief I’m willing to take.

P.S.- I love how City News didn’t blackout this dudes plate. I’m also laughing at the moment when this guy’s girlfriend see’s his car being sold like a hotel on the news. She has to dump this guy immediately right? Can’t be going out with the dude who uses his car like it’s a Motel 6.

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UK PM and Church are Pissed about Cadbury Removing “Easter” from Egg Hunt

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ITV-Theresa May has become embroiled in a row over an Easter egg hunt, saying a decision not to mention the religious festival in the title is “absolutely ridiculous”. Chocolate giant Cadbury and the National Trust are running a spring event at around 300 of the conservation charity’s properties called the Cadbury Egg Hunt. The word Easter is mentioned several times on the National Trust webpage promoting the hunts, but does not feature in the event logo. The prime minister has joined the Archbishop of York in condemning the move. Mrs May, who is a vicar’s daughter and a member of the National Trust, told ITV News: “I think the stance they’ve taken is absolutely ridiculous and I don’t know what they’re thinking about. “Easter’s very important. It’s important to me, it’s a very important festival for the Christian faith for millions across the world. “So I think what the National Trust is doing is frankly just ridiculous.”

Yah! Lets Go! I am so fired up right now! Literally so much energy flowing throughout my body as I type this. Finally, we have two hero’s willing to stand-up against the heathens who get a thrill out of a private company kinda removing a religious holiday from their marketing and public relations strategy. The BALLS on the Cadbury people to even try that. This isn’t gonna happen on PM May’s watch you godless freaks! These out of touch elites don’t even understand the significance of the egg hunt. Scoff, and roll your eyes all you want. Because I’m gonna kick down some safe spaces so you cretins get it. It’s that by children simply looking for these chocolate plastic wrapped eggs, they automatically understand the immerse significance of the resurrection of Christ. Without fighting and racing each-other to fill their baskets, how on earth are they suppose to understand the foundation of their faith? Nobody understands this meaning about Easter. People think it’s just a random attachment to an old-folklore, they might be right…but do they really understand the faith? Only time will tell.

Tony Romo Leaving Football for Broadcast Booth

Well it’s official. Today one of the most polarizing quarterbacks in the NFL officially has called it a career. Although he never got to a Superbowl, or even had much success in the playoffs. I don’t think it’s even an argument any more. Romo was one of the elite quarterbacks in the NFL, and had a great career. Just look at his stats. Even look at his numbers in comparison with the other Cowboy quarterbacks. There is no debate. It’s become a shame that his career will be defined by the rise of idiotic debate shows, and the circus that Jerry surrounded around him. Will he ever be mentioned with Brady, Rodgers, or Peyton? Absolutely not. Those guys are generational talents on fantastic teams. Frankly, I’m glad he’s retiring now. There is nothing worse than a guy who knows medically it isn’t the greatest idea to stick around, or to take another shot at redemption on a team going nowhere like the Browns or Texans. What I do hope now, is that his vanilla family friendly persona forces Dilfer out of the booth so we don’t have to be subjected to moronic hot-takes anymore.

PS. It literally took the NFL one full hour for them to float on breaking the news that “the door is still open for Romo’s return.”

 

Jason Grilli Attempts French, Becomes Bilingual Hero

Jason Grilli is awesome. He’s a guy who doesn’t hide who he is. The Grillman is gonna haul ass outta the bullpen, fire up the crowd, scream at himself, and just straight up murder the language of love. Now I understand he’s putting up a nice sentimental post for Montreal. But this is hilarious. “Au Revoir” is practically stapled everywhere throughout that city. You can’t walk a block without seeing it. What’s even better, is that he just didn’t even try to google it. Literally just spelled it out how he thinks it sounds after finding the perfect picture for that post. I just know that he’s the guy to yell “garcon!” and snap his fingers at a waiter thinking that’s a thing. I’m not even a Jays fan, but I love this move so much that I might just start the hashtag #Ovwa after every out he gets. Screw #cometogether it should be #Ovwa from now on.

Lexi Thompson gets Screwed Over by Loser

This is one of the most outrageous and remarkable things I’ve ever seen. I’m actually stunned. How on earth does any professional league allow people from their couch make video review calls? Congratulations LPGA you have the most irresponsible idea ever created! First off, this has to be some degenerate gambler phoning in. That’s the only somewhat sane explanation I can come up with, otherwise this is the biggest LOSER on the planet. This weirdo actually saved this clip on their DVR for over a day. I can already picture this guy rewinding and replaying the tape like he’s Costner in JFK, really believing they found some wild news to become outraged about. Instead he cost someone a title, and a huge amount of cash. For what? Moving a ball a millimeter over from where it was? Like this angle doesn’t actually show anything! This call is so bad that even gambling sites aren’t taking the bets on this.

And what the hell is going on at the LPGA? With the thousands of rules I imagine that Golf has, giving the people at home a voice this powerful? Literally people can just dial-up an email or a phone-call and sink someone’s chances? This is literally a sport where serial liars and exaggerators about their own game run rampant, but somehow you trust them over your rules committee to find and install infractions on PROFESSIONALS. I thought the NFL was the worst when it came to the video replay, but instead we finally found rock bottom. The only saving grace of this whole thing. Is that this moron at home doing his investigation, reminded me of the Keith Hernandez Seinfeld moment.

Fake Trudeau’s Getting the Kibosh

CNN-Canada’s diplomats here in the US have been told to stop using cutouts of Trudeau at embassy and consulate events. Why? Maybe because it costs Canadian taxpayers a little bit of money.  The cutouts appeared last year at Canada Day events at Canada’s embassy in Washington and its consulate in Atlanta, CNN partner CBC News reports. A cardboard Trudeau popped up just last week at a Canadian tourism booth at South by Southwest in Austin, Texas. But members of Canada’s Conservative Party did some research and found out that the embassy had ordered up a Trudeau cutout from a Pennsylvania company at a cost of almost $150. They were more than happy to alert the media about this. So Global Affairs Canada, the government entity in charge of the nation’s embassies and consulates, ordered diplomats to cut it out. “We are aware of instances where our missions in the United States had decided to purchase and use these cutouts,” a Global Affairs Canada spokesman told CBC News. “The missions have been asked to no longer use these for their events.” One Conservative lawmaker said that a cutout is “a perfect metaphor” for Trudeau, who is also leader of Canada’s Liberal Party. “You’ve got the shallow facade, and yet there’s very little in the way of depth or substance there,” he said. So instead of talking selfies with the cardboard version of the Prime Minister, Trudeau fans will have to wait — and try to get a picture with the real thing.

Unbelievable…just unbelievable. Now this is not a political blog by any means. I am not here to argue for or against whatever part on the political spectrum you sit. I am just a simple man behind a keyboard. But you gotta be kidding me. Bitching over $150 cardboard Trudeau’s is the shit why people hate politicians. It’s such an insignificant amount of cash to care about. If anything, these Conservative members who made some intern track this down, probably spent more money on the long distance bill for the quoting price of a Trudeau Fathead.

But I also got a problem with the Canadian Government’s diplomats using these things. How are none of you charging like five bucks for these hipsters to get a selfie with this. Last time I checked we were still a capitalist country. You can’t have the hottest PM in Trudzy causing people to lose their minds every time he goes on a foreign trip and not capitalize on that. For once Canada is HOT! The hotness vacuum that Obama left we actually filled people. We gotta use all this positive face-time to start raising some serious cash. You know how many potholes selfie money could fill? Probably thousands. But even that’s small time. We gotta think bigger and bolder. I want hologram Trudeau’s, Trudeau merchandise, even fire up Trudeau Tunes on iTunes (brilliant pun), and the next thing you know…BOOM! We have our new subway system funded. Just like that, I solved our cities infrastructure problem faster than that intern googled “where to make 6ft Trudeau’s.” It’s stuff like this that makes me wonder how I’m not living some new millennial Mad Men life.

Toronto FC’s New Grub Review

Toronto Sun- Those attending Friday night’s home opener against Sporting KC will have their choice of 10 new menu items:

“Soccer fans are very different,” Zielinski added.

With the TFC soccer season upon the city, and as a guy who has never missed a playoff run by the “Reds.” I felt it was only my duty to give a quick review of the new grub that is being cooked up down at BMO. The review is simple and each new item will have a quick ranking out of ten. Have I personally tried any of these? No. But what does it matter, people just look at the presentation of food before picking anyways.

Crispy Buffalo Chicken Sandwich

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Love this move. I’m actually kinda stunned that this hasn’t been already introduced. The buffalo chicken sandwich is perfect for when you don’t want a burger, and it’s got the spice and zing of a chicken burger without the plainness. A bit of a bonus, is also if your on some diet or workout “clean eating” bullshit, you can eat this without feeling guilty.

7/10

Black Bean and Salsa Burger

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Ummmm….what on earth? Look. Some of the best advice Dwight Schrute ever gave, and learned was “keep it simple stupid.” Which is what you have to do when doing burgers. You have to keep it simple. This just looks gross…just an awful presentation. Plus the only time I want black beans and salsa on my food is when it’s either in a burrito or on some fire nachos.

3/10

Italian Dipped Beef

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I…don’t even know what this is. It appears to be some sort of knockoff cheese-steak without the cheese and instead crammed with veggies. If the sauce is decent this seems edible. I mean this is just an attempt at a fancy roast-beef sandwich. Not really the best idea for a guy sitting in the stands.

5/10

Hot and Sticky Chicken

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This. Looks. FIRE!

Honestly I’m pumped at this right here. It’s the best of Chinese/Vietnamese finger foods. It already reminds me of awesome takeout you get one every couple of months. If your picking a finger food…you have to go with this over the fries. But as a man of class, these better come with a fork, because I hate sauce on my fingers when your baking in the sun. It’s the top five most rattling feelings on the planet.

8/10

Roast Beef Cheddar Poutine

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This is what happens when you try to reinvent the wheel. You cause a car wreck of an idea. Here we have people taking something everyone loves in poutine, and deciding to turn it into some KFC mash bowl of a meal. Why ruin a classic Canadian snack, with of all things roast beef. Like whose this dude down at the MLSE thinking roast beef is good on everything? Like what is this? I knocked this score down a point also, just because I’m going to spend minutes picking this apart to make it a regular poutine.

2/10

Pork Belly Banh Mi

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Brilliant idea by the guy who pushed for this. Anyone whose had Vietnamese food knows that this sandwich is just awesome. It’s basically the hoagie of Vietnam. If you’re in the mood for a sandwich at the game, just trust me and order this. It’s that simple.

8/10

Chickpea and Tahini Wrap

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Alright…I assume that this is something vegan? So if your that asshole who feels like he needs to announce this to the stadium, and don’t have your bullhorn on you. Just go up and fire one of these bad boys up. Because that’s the only explanation I have for creating a food option so irresponsible like this.

1/10

Chicharron Fries

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Are fires boring? What is it with this theme of throwing just random stuff on fries. I have no idea what this is. It looks like chicken, cheese, and salsa on fries. Maybe that’s good? Seems alright. I’m beginning to wonder if there’s like a ketchup or gravy shortage I should know about.

5/10

Jumbo Pretzel

I’m not reviewing this. If you don’t know what a pretzel is, I want to know how you logged onto this computer and found this website.

5/10

Loaded Porchetta

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Ah, here we go. A classic Italian sandwich option. For anyone who loves pulled pork, this is the next best thing. This is a great option, especially during a night game. Porchetta is always a bit more fatty tasting, but is probably the best sandwich option if you’re not feeling chicken that day.

8/10

Well there you have it people, your new 2017 food options at BMO for the TFC. If there is anything I decided on while writing this review for you, it’s that you soccer fans are so damn weird that these are actually options in the first place. Just grab a beer and hotdog like the rest of human civilization when at the game.

Canada To Make Pot Legal in 2018

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The CBC- The Liberal government will announce legislation next month that will legalize marijuana in Canada by July 1, 2018. CBC News has learned that the legislation will be announced during the week of April 10 and will broadly follow the recommendation of a federally appointed task force that was chaired by former liberal Justice Minister Anne McLellan. Bill Blair, the former Toronto police chief who has been stickhandling the marijuana file for the government, briefed the Liberal caucus on the roll-out plan and the legislation during caucus meetings this weekend, according to a senior government official who spoke to CBC News on condition of anonymity.

Well there it is folks. Obviously this isn’t shocking news since it has been discussed/argued at nauseum here. But it’s actually nice to see a finish line with this issue. I think generally most people in this country have accepted it on a variety of issues which I am not willing to discuss because this is not a political blog. However…

I do think there are some issues that haven’t been addressed or even brought up by our government in this debate. The first is the “coolness” factor. It’s a fact that people enjoy doing stuff that makes them look hard and edgy. This is called “the mist”. The mist is usually caught by obtaining power, wealth and popularity. Most celebrities and athletes have the mist. Everything they do, even the most mundane stuff seems cooler than us. But for us regular Joe’s, there are some ways we can grab a tiny amount of cool mist. One classic thing is by misdemeanor crimes. Are you rattled that the new J-Crew shirt you bought doesn’t look as good on you as it did in the store? Do a quick jaywalk or loiter outside a business and get back to me. Many people captured the mist by sparking up a small joint. It gave off the vibe of “I’m chill and on the level…but kinda a bad boy for doing this illegal leaf.” Now it’s just gonna be another regular vise like cigarettes, candy, or booze. It’s gonna lose the mist appeal. And it’s a fact that only Europeans can obtain the cool mist from smoking cigarettes. Nobody on this continent is gonna put up with your gross smelling cancer causing death sticks.

The second factor is the productivity one. Before any of you roll your eyes at this point let me make it clear for you. Marijuana causes people too NOT concentrate and makes them TOO mellow. Which makes me worried for our nation’s working productivity and efficiency. Don’t believe me? Just go to Amsterdam and look at the buildings. They are all crooked and out of level. People tell me that’s because of their geography with sea level rising and falling daily. But honestly that’s the biggest cover up going. These construction workers, engineers, and even the architects, over there are too high on the job and are just making stuff all out of wack. There is no “measure twice, cut once” over there after they rip some bong hits during a coffee break. We just can’t have all our buildings and homes looking like that. Call me old-fashioned, but I need my city not resembling some overrated Picasso painting.

I just hope before people start dancing around in the streets at this news, they took the time too reflect on things like this. However…I really do wonder if they are going to let the famous leaf bro back into the dome in 2018.

Biggest Two Games of the Raptors Season

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Look…I’m just gonna be straight forward and simple. Because that’s what the tens of people who read this blog ask me for. These upcoming two games with the Wizards WILL DECIDE THE RAPTORS SEASON. Going 0-2, basically wipes out any chance the Raptors have of clinching that second seed in the east.

But! This team is en fuego since the Ibaka and Tucker trades. Even with Lowry out for the regular season, this team is in a BETTER position against the Wizards. They now have the size, the ability to stretch the floor, and a better frontcourt than the Wizards.

Whoa…I just quickly convinced myself that the Raptors can easily do this. Sure im ignoring the lethal combination of Beal and Wall who still haunt me from 2015. But this team is different! I don’t think I’ve ever been so jacked up about a Raptors team in my life since the post Rudy Gay dream run in 2014/15…LETS DO THIS!